First Writing Assignment

So, today in my English class our assignment was to pick a song, take about four stanza's and change the lyrics. We are working on our "Academic Voice." So we are taking the lyrics out, such as I, and you, says, said, saying, etc. So we have to re-write the lyrics, they don't have to rhyme or go with the song at all. I selected a song by the Bloodhound Gang, but there's no way I'm turning it in. Plus, I did use "you" a couple of times, here are the lyrics for "The Ballad of Chasey Lain."

Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to explain
I'm your biggest fan
I just wanted to ask
Could I eat your ass?
Write back as soon as you can

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to complain
Ya never wrote me back
How could I ever eat
Your ass when ya treat
Your biggest fan like that?

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to constrain
This letter is my last
As your biggest fan
I must demand
You let me eat your ass

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

P.S.
Mom and Dad this is Chasey
Chasey this is my mom and dad
Now show 'em them titties
Now show 'em them titties
P.S.
Mom and Dad this is Chasey
Chasey this is my mom and dad
Now show 'em them titties
Now show 'em them titties

Would ya fuck me for blow?

Here's my updated version

Dear Chasey Lain, this letter is from your biggest fan, as a request that you allow me to perform cunnilingus on your anal cavity. Please reply at your earliest convenience.

You've experienced an absurd amount of penis, unfortunately, none of those belonged to me.

Dear Chasey Lain, this letter is a complaint about the treatment of your biggest fan. A reply was never received about the question in which was asked in the first letter.

Dear Chasey Lain, in this letter you will note that I demand that you allow me to perform cunnilingus on your anus; this is your biggest fan.

Is it possible that we could enjoy sexual intercourse in exchange for narcotics?

There it is! The song I'm doing for class is "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies.